What Marks Your Marriage?

“Why do you love me?” It’s the question that if I’m honest, I ask my husband Tanner more than any other question. More than, “When will you be home?” “What do you want for dinner?” or “What do you want to do this weekend?”

Those five words—Why do you love me?

And every time I ask that question, my husband looks at me perplexed and probably a bit disappointed that I’m asking that same question, yet again, maybe even for the third time that day.

When I ask that question, I’m revealing something about my heart, my marriage, and ultimately my relationship with God. That question, “Why do you love me?” reveals the truth that ultimately, I think my husband loves me based upon my performance. My heart shows my idols of approval and performance in marriage. And since marriage is to reflect the gospel redemption story, this lingering question that I ask indicates that deep down, I still struggle to believe that God loves me in spite of my actions but rather because my identity is in Christ.

Marriage tells a story.

Let’s come up for air. I’ve been married for 40 months today. Not 40 years. Just three years of marriage under my belt that Tanner and I often say feels like 30 years (in a good way, of course). So whether you’ve been married for over a decade or two, or you find yourself scrolling through a dating app longing for a first date that becomes your last first date, consider your own heart around the gift of marriage, the hope of marriage, and ultimately, the rest and safety in marriage. The rest and safety that reflects the rest and safety of Christ Jesus in the gospel.

I’ll never forget hearing a friend talk about her marriage. It hit me. What Tanner and I have in our relationship is marked by rest and safety. And friend, we know so many marriages that are marked by exactly the opposite—unrest and fear. Before I go any further, if you find yourself in a marriage that is marked by unrest, fear, and any type of abuse (emotional, physical, mental, spiritual), please reach out to one of your pastors at your local church. I couldn’t urge you to do so any more.

Marriage shares the gospel.

Consider those words, rest and safety. Marriage is a window into the love Christ has for his people. Marriage shares the gospel of grace to an onlooking world. And while all of our marriages are imperfect, marriage seeks to reflect perfection in a person, Christ Jesus. Marriage esteems the person and work of Christ as it heralds the gospel. 

Jesus calls his people to rest in him. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30). Jesus reminds his people to trust his care (Matthew 6:26-34). We are simply more than birds. Jesus models rest in the Father. He himself goes away to pray (Luke 5:16). The gospel accounts are littered with Jesus teaching his people to rest in him. And ultimately, we rest in Christ for our salvation. Jesus Christ died the death we deserve, and yet, we receive the righteousness that we do not deserve. The grace of Christ beckons our rest in Christ.

And because we have rest in Christ, safety in him abounds. If 2020 has taught us anything, we have learned to not hope for the security of a job, the safety of our health, and the status of our government. The writer of Hebews reminds us “...[God] will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5). The psalms are littered with the reminder that God is our refuge, our haven of safety, an ever-present help in time of trouble (Psalm 23, 46, 121). In all of the chaos and uncertainty of this year, our hearts experience peace as we remember that Christ is on the throne. We are safe in our Savior, not in our circumstances. 

The safety we have in Christ points us yet again to the gospel——our salvation is sure and secure. Our salvation doesn’t waver like the tide of COVID-19 updates, racial tension, and political debates. The safety of the gospel reminds us that there’s absolutely nothing we could do to make God love us any more or any less. And that truth, sisters, brings rest and freedom.

Your spouse is not your savior. 

The gospel informs our marriage. The truths of the safety and rest of the gospel curate a gospel hope in our marriage. And where our marriages are not being informed by the gospel, unrest and fear will abound. Where we look to our spouse for safety and rest, we will be disappointed and discouraged every single time. Tanner makes for a really great husband, but he makes for a really crummy savior. The safety, rest, and joy my heart desires can only be fulfilled in the Lord. Our spouse is not our savior, our security, our hope. And yet, our marriages are to herald our savior, our security, our hope.

Hard conversations make us stronger. Think about it, it’s really true. From your son’s little league team meetings where little Joey is practically in tears over not catching the ball for the fourteenth time, to your annual evaluation where your boss gives you some tough feedback that ultimately leads to your promotion a year later, to that morning over coffee where you shared the depths of your besetting sin with a good friend who helped you begin to walk in repentance. Hard conversations are a breeding ground for growth. And yes, in just 40 months of marriage, Tanner and I have had our fair share of hard conversations. I’m grateful. The truth spoken in love bears fruit. 

We all have blind spots, and God has given us the covenant of marriage for our growth and his glory. Our spouse often sees what we don’t see. And oftentimes, our spouse says we often don’t want to hear. Doesn’t this sound like the story of redemption? Our God sees what we don’t see. And he often tells us what we don’t want to hear. And what’s the end result? Joy, glory, growth, holiness, peace. Marriage isn’t about us. Marriage is about our God. Marriage is for us, but it’s not about us. God is accomplishing something far greater than we see in our marriages. And for all of the moments of abundant joy in marriage and for all the moments of heartache, God’s grace proves sufficient. 

Freedom to fail.

So in light of the safety and rest we have in the gospel and thus should experience in marriage, consider two gospel truths to apply in your marriage:

You are free to fail. Because of the grace of the gospel, you are free to fail. You don’t have to nail it every day. In fact, you won’t nail it every day. Walk in the freedom that you are forgiven in Christ in the midst of your failures. Allow your husband to preach the gospel to you and over you. We’re probably all familiar with some of the marriage passages in Scripture (Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18-19, and our vows came from Romans 12:9-21). Remind one another of these Scripture truths. Receive grace from your Savior and grace from your spouse.

Freedom from performance.

You are free to not perform. Any other high aspiring achievers out there reading this? Of course, you’re an achiever, so you’re reading this hoping that it will help you be a “better” wife. I’ve got an idea. Stop trying so hard. Yesterday, I played my worst round of 9 holes of golf in awhile. Why? Because my in-laws were in town visiting, and I so desperately wanted to play good for them. I wanted to perform yesterday at the age of 36 on a golf course just like I wanted to perform at the age of 6, asking my parents to watch me on the balance beam, and just as I did at the age of 16, while I ran laps around a track seeking the top place on the podium. And friend, this performance treadmill is unsatisfying, unending, and absolutely exhausting. 

You are free to not perform in your marriage because your marriage is about the work of Christ in you, not your work in your marriage. You don’t have to perform as a wife because you are beloved and chosen by the One who performed perfectly for you on the cross and in his resurrection. Let down your shoulders and give yourself the freedom to not perform. You might burn your husband’s favorite casserole, allow your neighbors to see your messy house, and maybe experience a marriage that is both much more free and much more full.

Real Life.

Last week, we went on a date night. It was long overdue. You’ve all been there, right? When it feels like it’s been way too long since you had an intentional date with your husband. And for all of you ladies who have had weekly date nights for the last twelve years, congratulations. That’s a gift of grace. While we were on our way to dinner, I asked Tanner, “Why are you taking me on a date?” He looked over at me and said, “Lacey, do you think you’ve been nailing it lately?” To which I responded, “Well, absolutely not. We both know that.” I then listened as my husband told me he was taking me on a date not because I had been nailing it but rather to give me the gospel, to show me grace, to give me what I haven’t earned. 

Now, we all know that marriage isn’t filled with killer patios with amazing chips and salsa for weekly date nights. Our marriages are often marked by the mundane—folding laundry, preparing dinner, working long days, raising kids. And yet, the mundane in our marriages reflect the mystery of the gospel. Christ loves us not because we are lovely. Christ loves us to make us lovely. Our marriages reflect this gospel reality—in this midst of all that’s messy on this side of the kingdom, hope arises from our Helper.

Friend, our sovereign God isn’t surprised by our marriage. He’s not surprised by your struggle to perform, of your fear of failure, of your desire to hide. You don’t have to hide anything from your husband because of the grace of Christ. You don’t have to prove anything to your husband because of the work of Christ. Our marriages provide the opportunity to give our spouse this gospel. 

Real Love.

Why does God love us? God loves us because he loves us—we are his to love. Why does our husband love us? Well, according to scripture, our husband loves us because he loves us—we are his to love. This is the beautiful, biblical design: the gospel informing our marriage, and our marriage putting the gospel on display. And the author and perfector of our faith has lavished this good gift of marriage to his people. God writes a better story. Rest easy, my friend. God has you, and he has your marriage.